untitled for now

there's something not just anyone can understand
not especially you, for you are indifferent.
you were once very curious about me and i enjoyed your desire
to learn my ways and reasoning.
you were once very easy to be around, i said what was on my mind
and just let go. i was sure it was the same for you.
i felt like you looked out for me
in the corner of your room, even if it was just a peeking gesture
same time every day, even if it was just once.
to tell you the truth, i miss that.

the thing not just anyone can understand,
not especially you, is just how someone can change,
even his natural scent. something went.
your voice raised higher, you became shorter
and the way you held me no longer felt right.
it was like you had hidden your identical twin from me
then put him in your place.
i don't care for your twin too much.
he's whiny and annoying and painstakingly craves female attention
and yet, i keep saying hello, keep reminding myself he's still around
because secretly i'm hoping he's exchanged his place again with you.

there's more i could say but i'll try to be classy.
i get so uncomfortable saying more.
you (or your twin) really hurt me. i don't know if
an apology is anything i'd expect and
my mom said i can only find closure within myself.
i'm the thirsty camel roaming the desert inside
trying to find the oasis.

i miss your heart.
the one that was soft and approachable
eager to be touched like an umbrella
or a pillow or a box of photographs.
this thing you've got now,
i just don't know what it is.
i clearly don't understand it.

Closed

My breasts are warm only to my touch
the rest can keep away
I want nothing from each of them
as I aim to be excused.
The garden in my heart is closed for repairs
during the busiest time of the year
and still I walk along, admiring the colors
drunk from the scents
amused at visitors trying to climb the fence
eager to litter my garden.
I want nothing from them.

If love means allowing someone to come inside
are they willing to walk with me
instead of standing in my way or asking me to
stick around when I'm eager to get up and
shake everything around like dice,
instead of making me feel like shit
because i'm the way i am and feel too old to change it,
if love is one big compromise, perhaps i'm just not ready for it.
Maybe I just want to sit back and admire my goddamn flowers
or touch my aching breasts and feel grateful that
i know how to please myself
perhaps this is best right now

How I View Myself

Fast notes on a slow train
coursing through someone else's vein
in a place too large for my small heart
this EKG is off the chart
desolate body craving space
in a place too small for saving face
i'm empty like a barren bride
or a liquor bottle washed and dried
always eager to run and hide
in a place too cold to stay inside
Slow notes on a fast train
evidence of a life's remains

The Loneliest Place on Earth

city lights scream out at the masses,
"come one, come all"
except to me. Maybe they sense my fear.
Perhaps I fucked up this time and said too much,
or not enough, too late.
Lights, cold lights, unlike mothers' hands
or a day under the sun,
yes. I am afraid.
Sitting on the top, it's lonely up here
all I want to do is reach down and connect.
No one understands me, they think I don't understand.
I don't understand you, I want to be shaken till I understand
everything.
I want to be free but I don't want to be alone
under these crowded city lights,
standing till my knees start shaking

mirage

there's a place where it's still so hot the sweat is popping off our heads, rolling down our cheeks like delightful tears. i was in sweaty bliss, perhaps i still am

maybe i'm still sleeping in, lulled by the scent of your cooking. maybe i'm still avoiding the thought of leaving

you, taller. me, not so wise but eager to know. i felt like i learned you so quickly

if i'm still there, and you left before me, did you leave me for good or did you leave to go buy fruit? am i still standing there on the doorstep expecting you to show up or are you in the room undressing? are we dancing like we did that one night? or did i leave you

standing there watching me go, maybe that's where you are right now

China's Little Bubble

Someone told me you were sick
with a tiny pin prick
in China's little bubble
I didn't know then but I know now.

I heard your baby learned to smile
Did it stretch for miles?
It took awhile but now I know
in China's little bubble.

My mother looks like the Franken bride
now the cat's too scared to come inside,
my best friend decided to get her masters
just so she could get her PHD faster,
apparently no one can get a job
might as well join the mob
all this, enough to make me laugh or sob
in China's little bubble.

I don't take sleeping pills anymore
unlike what I did every night before
I guess isolation helps me slumber
in China's little bubble

I have someone in love with me
I teach students of one hundred and sixty
and sometimes I watch the BBC
in China's little bubble

I ride my bike and wait for spring
still feeling winter's bitter sting,
i can't drink whiskey like i could
(secretly, I think this is good),
I work a job but I don't work hard,
I rarely get to see the stars
I still haven't mailed one single postcard
from China's little bubble.

Do you think maybe
you could come inside
just long enough to
watch me hide
i don't know when and
i don't know why i
decided to be so flighty

Maybe I was born like this
always feeling conformed by this
thought that life will stop if I
decide to stop moving.
Now China's bubble is quickly caving
and I see myself misbehaving
like I always do when I'm ready to burst
out into the open air.

Someone told me you were sick
like a large pin prick in my heart
bursting China's little bubble
I didn't know then but I do know now

Water

Recollect, disassemble
masticate my thoughts like ice cubes
before they melt and disappear.

Soaking in the sun,
they wanted you like fresh rain
so that they wouldn't feel alone.

My thoughts.
You've owned them for awhile but now I want them back
even if they slip between my fingers
and soak my feet
or disappear on the street.

Recollect and I mourn the death of you
Disassemble and I don't understand you
Masticate as a means of digestion
so later I might piss you out